So I am getting more and more irritated as the day goes on. My boyfriend and I have trust issues. We have both made mistakes but I feel like he has made a few more and done a lot worse than I have. Anyways, back in December, I was about ready to say fuck it. He told me he was going to change and that he didn't want to lose me because of his stupidity. He told me he wanted me to trust him. So he gave me his passwords to his Facebook and Myspace and he also said I could go through his phone so I could see what he was saying to who. I still had my doubts because I figured he would just delete the stuff he didn't want me to see. Well everything was going fine for the past month or so. Until the other day i decided to check out his Facebook. For some reason I couldn't log on. I tried over and over again. Thinking he changed his password, I confronted him about it. He told me the email and password, I typed it in and it magically worked.... Now I know I could have made a mistake when typing, but for how many times I tried and how closely I checked my typing... I found it slightly suspicious. Then I kind of let that go. So last night I was playing Bejewled on his phone, and all of a sudden he was like wait I need to text my friend real quick... so I was like okay well let me finish this game. So he text his friend and then gave his phone back to me. I figured I hadn't looked through his stuff for a while so I told him "Hey I'm gonna look at your texts" to see what he would say. So I click on his messages... Guess what the only text in his inbox was from... The kid he just texted. He deleted all of his texts. I just looked up at him and he busted up laughing... He thought it was funny. I was seriously pissed. I was just like "Wow really?" He was like I thought it was funny since I know you like to snoop through my phone... SNOOP THROUGH YOUR PHONE????? It's not snooping when you are trying to prove to my that you are trust worthy. It's not snooping when you tell me I can read your texts. It's not snooping when I tell you when I am going to do it!
I don't know if I'm just over exaggerating.... But REALLY? That just makes you look so fucking suspicious. Like, what are you hiding? What did you not want me to see? I knew this "change" wouldn't last.
THEN I tried to log onto his Facebook today... Guess who couldn't log on again. Me. FUCK THIS.
I'm not going to sit here and act like I believe a damn word you are saying when you are being just as shady as you used to be. Uhg.
Plus, I know Valentines Day is going to be a dissapointment. I'm surprised he didn't dump me again this year. ALSDASJDAJSDAKSJDLKASJDLAKSJDASJLAKSJD grr.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Sister.Pregnancy.Marriage.School.Boyfriend
Well it's Friday morning at 2:47am. Yet another late night/early morning. There is way too much on my mind. I don't know who to talk to or if anyone will even understand if I were to come to them. For most of my life I have kept way too much bottled up inside, which is not good at all. So I guess I'll just let it all out.
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Just today I found out that my biological mother is getting out of prison in two months. Am I excited? Not especially, actually you could say I'm indifferent. All I've known is for her to be in prison. I stopped visiting her when i was 8. Why would i start seeing her again? I'm not sure I would even know what to say or how to approach that situation. It's not like I'm angry with her or anything, she was just never a part of my life.
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This past summer I met my half sister Kim. We have the same birth mother but different dads. She found me on Facebook and we started talking and planning on meeting each other. When we finally did I had this buzz in me. I was so excited. I felt complete. We only spent a few days together but everything felt so natural. We had so much in common, and many of the same mannerisms and facial expressions. It was so weird to have never met in 18 years yet to be so much alike. We have similar pasts and tastes and thought processes and interests. I miss her so much. I cannot wait to see her again. There's only one problem... She's pregnant and getting married.
She's 19. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I am obviously happy for her and wish her the best, but part of me is jealous and the other part of me thinks it's totally crazy!
First off, I haven't even decided if I want to get married. I mean I would love to find the person to spend the rest of my life with but I don't know if I want to go through the whole marriage process and risk getting a divorce ya know? I do know I want an engagement... or at least a big sparkly ring lol. Why am I even thinking of this I'm only 18! (almost 19) I have no idea. The only thing I do know is it's on my mind.
Also, I have baby fever. I want to be pregnant SO bad. How insane is that? My overall goal in life is to have a family and take care of them. But I definitely don't want that right now. If it were to accidentally happen then I could live with it and I would love my baby more than anything... But I know right now is not a good time in my life to have a child. Plus my boyfriend would go CRAZY! I'm actually freaking him out with all my baby talk. It seems that pregnancy is EVERYWHERE I look! One friend thinks she's pregnant, one girls tells me she just found out she's pregnant, some girls I know just had their babies, and then all the random people I see that are pregnant. Why do I envy them so much? I just think it is so amazing to be responsible for a human life. For it to be inside your body. Your own flesh and blood. You created this person. They are part of you. IDK it's just fascinating.
However, I have decided that I do not want to have children right after i get married. I want to plan it. I want to make sure I am healthy and that my husband and I can emotionally/financially/physically afford to have a child. Besides, I think that the first few years of marriage should be spent together, just enjoying each others company. Do things together, learn new things, and just have fun
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In May I'm starting hair school. I AM SO EXCITED! lol I tried going to college but I just couldn't get my head into it. I hated sitting in a class room for an hour, taking notes, everyday. Since either grade I've considered hair school but I always thought it was a cop-out. I figured it was what people did when they didn't want to go to a "real" college. But as I got older I soon realized that the art of cutting and styling hair was much harder than I had given it credit for. I am so happy with my decision though. For once I am excited to learn. I have been this happy since I was dancing competitively. Although I am slightly nervous about the whole thing I know this is something I will excel in. For most of my life people have told me that this is what I should do. I really thought it was just a hobby. Now i can finally have a career and love it too.
There is a slight set back though. there is this girl... Tess. She is already enrolled in the same hair school I am going to. This is the best school in town, there is no way I am going to change what school I go to because of her. I'm not going to jeopardize my education because of some high school drama. The only reason why this drama is still in my life is because she slept with my current boyfriend. I am a little worried that by being back in school with her I won't be able to put aside my negative feelings towards her. I'm not sure if I should confront her before I start school and let her know that i don't want drama... or if I should just ignore her all together and focus on myself.
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On a lighter note, (lol) I will tell you about my boyfriend. his name is Evan, he's 21 and we have been together for 2 years so far. We have had a crazy relationship but I think it's definitely been worth it. I don't want to sit here and say "Oh, we are gonna get married and blah blah" but I really do think we will be together for a while at least. I have been in long term relationships and I know what I want. (For the most part... Depending on the day... :p) He has made some major changes and he has really been proving himself to me. He makes me feel cute and loved and wanted and all that good stuff. He is so incredibly smart and very handsome. But of course I'm going to think that about my own boyfriend huh? Haha.
There's just one thing that has been bothering me recently... He says a lot of things but never follows through. Like for my 18th birthday he said he would take me to get my tongue pierced. I'm almost 19 now and I still have an un-pierced tongue. (Which might be a good thing haha) One time we bet on a game of cards and I won. So I told him he has to make me dinner one night and take me ice skating. That was about a year ago... I still haven't been ice skating. Another one was he said he would take me out for a nice dinner with his next paycheck if it was over a certain amount. Well, it was over that amount and he has also gotten a couple more checks... We haven't been out to a nice dinner yet. I know it might sound very snobby of me to be complaining about something like that but it really bothers me! lol. I'm not trying to say that he doesn't do anything for me 'cause he definitely does plenty, like buy me regular dinner at Chipotle or McDonalds or whatever, or he will give me gas money if I drive, but for some reason I feel like if you say you are going to do something for someone else then you should follow through. His excuse a lot of the time is that he just forgets... but I don't want to be rude and be like, "Hey, you owe me a nice dinner still" or, "When are you going to take me ice skating" especially since a lot of what he says he is going to do involves money. Two jobs have come and gone and I know money is tight. I'm just not sure how to bring this up to him without sounding disrespectful.
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Well I think that is enough for tonight. It is now 4:01am and I should probably get some sleep so I don't waste all of tomorrow.
Goodnight :)
EDIT:
2 and a half hours later and I'm still awake. I was just reading through some old messages between Evan (My Boyfriend) and myself... and it suddenly made me realize how much things have changed for the better between us. It makes me so happy that we never gave up on each other and that we stuck through the hardships to get to such a wonderful place now. :)
Now i REALLY need to go to bed. :yawn: Night Night All.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just today I found out that my biological mother is getting out of prison in two months. Am I excited? Not especially, actually you could say I'm indifferent. All I've known is for her to be in prison. I stopped visiting her when i was 8. Why would i start seeing her again? I'm not sure I would even know what to say or how to approach that situation. It's not like I'm angry with her or anything, she was just never a part of my life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This past summer I met my half sister Kim. We have the same birth mother but different dads. She found me on Facebook and we started talking and planning on meeting each other. When we finally did I had this buzz in me. I was so excited. I felt complete. We only spent a few days together but everything felt so natural. We had so much in common, and many of the same mannerisms and facial expressions. It was so weird to have never met in 18 years yet to be so much alike. We have similar pasts and tastes and thought processes and interests. I miss her so much. I cannot wait to see her again. There's only one problem... She's pregnant and getting married.She's 19. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I am obviously happy for her and wish her the best, but part of me is jealous and the other part of me thinks it's totally crazy!
First off, I haven't even decided if I want to get married. I mean I would love to find the person to spend the rest of my life with but I don't know if I want to go through the whole marriage process and risk getting a divorce ya know? I do know I want an engagement... or at least a big sparkly ring lol. Why am I even thinking of this I'm only 18! (almost 19) I have no idea. The only thing I do know is it's on my mind.
Also, I have baby fever. I want to be pregnant SO bad. How insane is that? My overall goal in life is to have a family and take care of them. But I definitely don't want that right now. If it were to accidentally happen then I could live with it and I would love my baby more than anything... But I know right now is not a good time in my life to have a child. Plus my boyfriend would go CRAZY! I'm actually freaking him out with all my baby talk. It seems that pregnancy is EVERYWHERE I look! One friend thinks she's pregnant, one girls tells me she just found out she's pregnant, some girls I know just had their babies, and then all the random people I see that are pregnant. Why do I envy them so much? I just think it is so amazing to be responsible for a human life. For it to be inside your body. Your own flesh and blood. You created this person. They are part of you. IDK it's just fascinating.
However, I have decided that I do not want to have children right after i get married. I want to plan it. I want to make sure I am healthy and that my husband and I can emotionally/financially/physically afford to have a child. Besides, I think that the first few years of marriage should be spent together, just enjoying each others company. Do things together, learn new things, and just have fun
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In May I'm starting hair school. I AM SO EXCITED! lol I tried going to college but I just couldn't get my head into it. I hated sitting in a class room for an hour, taking notes, everyday. Since either grade I've considered hair school but I always thought it was a cop-out. I figured it was what people did when they didn't want to go to a "real" college. But as I got older I soon realized that the art of cutting and styling hair was much harder than I had given it credit for. I am so happy with my decision though. For once I am excited to learn. I have been this happy since I was dancing competitively. Although I am slightly nervous about the whole thing I know this is something I will excel in. For most of my life people have told me that this is what I should do. I really thought it was just a hobby. Now i can finally have a career and love it too.
There is a slight set back though. there is this girl... Tess. She is already enrolled in the same hair school I am going to. This is the best school in town, there is no way I am going to change what school I go to because of her. I'm not going to jeopardize my education because of some high school drama. The only reason why this drama is still in my life is because she slept with my current boyfriend. I am a little worried that by being back in school with her I won't be able to put aside my negative feelings towards her. I'm not sure if I should confront her before I start school and let her know that i don't want drama... or if I should just ignore her all together and focus on myself.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a lighter note, (lol) I will tell you about my boyfriend. his name is Evan, he's 21 and we have been together for 2 years so far. We have had a crazy relationship but I think it's definitely been worth it. I don't want to sit here and say "Oh, we are gonna get married and blah blah" but I really do think we will be together for a while at least. I have been in long term relationships and I know what I want. (For the most part... Depending on the day... :p) He has made some major changes and he has really been proving himself to me. He makes me feel cute and loved and wanted and all that good stuff. He is so incredibly smart and very handsome. But of course I'm going to think that about my own boyfriend huh? Haha. There's just one thing that has been bothering me recently... He says a lot of things but never follows through. Like for my 18th birthday he said he would take me to get my tongue pierced. I'm almost 19 now and I still have an un-pierced tongue. (Which might be a good thing haha) One time we bet on a game of cards and I won. So I told him he has to make me dinner one night and take me ice skating. That was about a year ago... I still haven't been ice skating. Another one was he said he would take me out for a nice dinner with his next paycheck if it was over a certain amount. Well, it was over that amount and he has also gotten a couple more checks... We haven't been out to a nice dinner yet. I know it might sound very snobby of me to be complaining about something like that but it really bothers me! lol. I'm not trying to say that he doesn't do anything for me 'cause he definitely does plenty, like buy me regular dinner at Chipotle or McDonalds or whatever, or he will give me gas money if I drive, but for some reason I feel like if you say you are going to do something for someone else then you should follow through. His excuse a lot of the time is that he just forgets... but I don't want to be rude and be like, "Hey, you owe me a nice dinner still" or, "When are you going to take me ice skating" especially since a lot of what he says he is going to do involves money. Two jobs have come and gone and I know money is tight. I'm just not sure how to bring this up to him without sounding disrespectful.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well I think that is enough for tonight. It is now 4:01am and I should probably get some sleep so I don't waste all of tomorrow.
Goodnight :)
EDIT:
2 and a half hours later and I'm still awake. I was just reading through some old messages between Evan (My Boyfriend) and myself... and it suddenly made me realize how much things have changed for the better between us. It makes me so happy that we never gave up on each other and that we stuck through the hardships to get to such a wonderful place now. :)
Now i REALLY need to go to bed. :yawn: Night Night All.
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